Enjoying the Journey

Halleluja! I have an appetite again! I didn’t want to say anything too soon, for fear I would scare it away, but since Thanksgiving I am on a roll! Maybe the turkey-day feasting woke my poor tummey up, or maybe it’s that I am now 15 weeks and well into my 2nd trimester, but whatever it is, thank the Lord! I had 3 full meals today, *sigh*, just like the good ol’ days.

Maybe this seems like something that no woman would wish upon herself, but I was getting so tired of forcing myself to eat because I hadn’t eaten all day and not because I actually wanted to. Thinking about what to eat and not being able to think of a single thing-in my house or not-that sounded remotely tempting was getting really old. Today my stomach was actually growling, and I couldn’t wait to go out to dinner with the family to celebrate Liz’s birthday. Thanks Liz! I ate so much pasta and pistachio gelato, I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven.

Hopefully in the next month, people will actually believe me when I tell them I’m pregnant.

So maybe it’s early nesting tendencies or maybe I’m just feeling especially festive this year, but I broke out the Christmas decorations last week. Yes, I know I’m a full 5 weeks away from the merry holiday, that Thanksgiving is actually the next upcoming holiday, but I just couldn’t wait. Mark thinks I’m crazy. I already long for the scent of Christmas tree to waft through our home, but unfortunately Mark informs me we will not be buying a Christmas tree this year. His logic is that we will not be here for Christmas, so what’s the point? The point?! The point is so that I can wake up every morning smell pine as I get ready for my day, and come home in the evening to sip hot chocolate by the tree laden with twinkle lights and glittery decorations! The point is that for the next month I want to feel festive and cozy in our tiny apartment that has no fireplace to hang the stockings over and very few tacky decorations that we have been given as gifts over the last 3 years of marriage! Something about having a Christmas tree makes me feel that stirring of wonder and excitement at this time of year that I have mostly lost since I was a child, and that is why I need a Christmas tree! It’s just not the same…

On a happier note, I have found some new holiday addictions. I absolutely love Starbucks peppermint hot chocolate, the William-Sonoma Christmas catalogs, getting Christmas movies from Netflix that come right to my apartment, children’s Christmas books, and buying Mark Christmas presents that for once will completely surprise him. I am totally excited that this Thanksgiving I will be contributing some of my family’s favorite dishes to a potluck dinner with Mark’s family. I always feel so bad doing all the eating and none of the preparation, so this year’s feast will be fun!

Next OB visit is on the 29th, so no baby news until then. But I am feeling much better, and my appetite is starting to return. At least I feel like eating a wider variety of food then just cereal and fruit. I keep thinking I am starting to put weight back on and then I step on the scale and find that no, I am still down 14 lbs from when I started. People keep asking if my jeans are starting to get snug, and the answer is no. In fact, a few of them I can take off without unbuttoning. If there was ever a time that I was not excited to be getting skinnier, this is it! Peanut? Are you in there?!

There seems to be far too many emotionally charged entries in this blog. I’m sure there will be discussions on all manner of child-raising tricks and necessities. But what about the baby’s entertainment as he/she grows up?

As the expectant father, I would just like to say, “Wii would like to play.” <—- click here!

-Mark

It should be mentioned at some point what I am currently doing for a living. I’m a babysitter. I don’t even feel I have the level of prestige to call myself a nanny. No, I’m a 23-year-old full-time babysitter. I wish I could say I went looking for this lofty position, I am after all college educated and have job experience in many different fields, but I have to assume that the Lord thought I needed a little bit of preparation for our future MacRaskill clan, because I kind of feel like I was pushed into this profession by forces much bigger than me. I was working happily as a waitress while scouting medical assisting jobs in the area when I was asked to babysit once a week for a family in my in-law’s ward. I took the job happily, grateful for the extra cash which Mark promised I could save for a future baby. I never realized that good news of a reliable, 23-year-old Mormon babysitter travels so fast. I never realized that desperate moms will snatch up any time you have just to get 2 precious hours to themselves. Example: me-”I have a couple of hours on Friday between 2 other sitting jobs, between 1 and 4…” them-”I’ll take it!”. Before I knew it I had cut back my schedule at PF Chang’s to a mere 3 shifts a week- Monday and Wednesday nights (usually coming straight from sitting and changing in my car) and Saturday lunch. It was mayhem, and exhausting, but oh the money….

Then little peanut took up residence inside me and made it near impossible to handle the grueling schedule. So waitressing had to go. Besides, I don’t think I could have taken the smell of soy sauce any longer, bleck! Thanks peanut!

Now I know I’ve made it sound like babysitting is not my favorite way to spend my time, which is not true. I really love kids and I have for as long as I can remember. But since finding out I was pregnant this job has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Instead of feeling mischievously happy when I let kids get away with things their mothers probably wouldn’t allow, I feel horribly guilty. I have that “I’m going to be a horrible mother” thought and all ideas of being a fun babysitter go right out the window. Plus the energy to play hide-and-seek or jump on the trampoline is just not there.

All my moms tell me my fears of being an awful mother are unfounded and that I am going to be a great one, especially with so much practice under my belt. But all I can see is my lack of patience, my selfish need to be by myself sometimes, my inability to function when I’m tired, and my easily lost temper. Babysitting should be good mommy practice, but mostly it just shows me how far I have to go before I’ll be that kind of mom I want to be.

I have reached an all-time low. 10 hours, yes that’s right, 10 HOURS of mindlessly sitting in front of the tv today. Ahhhh Sundays….

The goods continue to pile up. Being that I babysit for half of Silicon Valley, it is only fitting that every mommy on my client list is showering me with their hand-me-down goods. If they are through having kids, they load me up with everything they are getting rid of, and I am only too happy to take it off their hands. So far the little peanut, who is 6 months from even being born, has collected quite the hoard of much needed stuff, including a crib, bassinet, jumper, playmat, books, bathtub seat and 3 bins of clothes (some of which still have the tags on!). The little munchkin is already hoarding in on mommy’s closet space, and that can’t be good…

I feel so lucky that this leaves me so much more freedom to spend money on the things I really want and need, so thanks everyone! Peanut thanks you too!

Yesterday Mark and I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat! It was an amazing sound, so fast with an occasional whooshing sound which the doctor informed us is the sound of the baby moving around. I don’t even have words for it, only that it didn’t really seem real until that moment. I guess with a previous miscarriage, I was afraid to grow attached to this baby until I felt like it was safe to. It finally feels ok to hope.

The baby, which I have affectionately named “peanut” for the time being due to it’s appearance on our first ultrasound, is due May 21st. Of course I wish I could be one of those people who says I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl as long as it’s healthy, but that wouldn’t be totally truthful. I want a girl. We’ll know the gender right before Christmas.

As for the other aspects of pregnancy, well I can’t complain too much. I’ve lost 13 lbs, and I feel like taking a nap every day. But I consider myself lucky on the point that I have not vomited once, the nausea hasn’t been bad. The weight loss is probably due to the fact that nothing sounds appetizing to me, except cereal, and fruit. My poor Mark has had to deal with my crankiness and moodiness. But overall it hasn’t been too bad. I feel like there has to be a catch, I thought pregnancy would be much worse than this.

Last night I went to bed at 9 and slept in until 9 this morning. I am still tired. I don’t function well on lack of sleep, which doesn’t bode well for the post-pregnancy days….