Enjoying the Journey

I’m tired.

Not just sleepy or “I could use a nap” tired. I am exhausted to the bone. It’s rather ironic too, because for the first 7 or 8 weeks after Reese was born, people would ask me how I was handling the sleep deprivation. I would always laugh and say “what sleep deprivation? I feel fantastic!” And then, I hit a wall. Nothing changed. Reese sleeps, for the most part, the same amount that she slept in the beginning. My theory? The excitement and novelty of being a new mommy sustained me for those first 2 months, and then my body realized one day- “Hey! What happened to our full 8 hours of sleep at night? And what about those great naps I used to take back when I was pregnant? What’s going on here?” Wham! Pure exhaustion.

I’m so tired I’m having trouble thinking straight. I have to write everything down- grocery lists, to do lists, daily list of things to accomplish and the time I will do them at. Teaching my Sunday school class has been especially challenging because I stumble over words. I don’t make sense, even to myself. I sit there groping for the right word while my clss looks at me like I’m completely stupid. It’s quite humiliating actually.

I’m so tired that when I do sleep I have the craziest dreams, and I often hallucinate things like hearing Reese cry. So I roll out of bed and stumble into her room, only to find her deep asleep.

I know that people say “sleep when your baby sleeps”, but let’s face it, that’s nearly impossible. I have a million things to accomplish in the precious time that I have to myself when she sleeps. Namely-showering, dishes, laundry, etc. Even if I do put those things on the back-burner and fall into bed to take a nap, one of three things happens. First-as soon as I start to fall asleep, Reese wakes up early from her nap, and then I’m even worse for the wear because my sleep-deprived body finds it very cruel that I would dangle sleep within it’s reach and than take it away. Second-I lie in bed for awhile trying to sleep but I’m so sure she will wake up any minute. Or I’m thinking about all the things I need to accomplish that I can never fall asleep so I give up and get out of bed. Third-I do fall asleep but when I wake up I’m so groggy and disoriented that it almost wasn’t worth it.

Amidst all this tiredness, I have started trying to lose the baby weight in earnest. It all came to a head when last week, when after trying on 10 different outfits for church, none of which fit or were flattering, I fell apart and had a nice little cry. I have nothing to wear. Not even my maternity clothes because I lent them to my very pregnant sister-in-law who was in need. Plus, that is just too humiliating to be still wearing my maternity clothes 2 months after my baby was born. I’m glad I lent them out, or else I might be tempted to put them on and ignore the baby weight. Even the things in my closet that do fit, do not look good. It’s not like when I was pregnant and nothing fit. At least then I was carrying another human being inside me and therefore had a good excuse for being fat. Now I’m just fat. I have never felt so self-conscious in my whole life. So to the gym I went. Every day last week. And let me tell you, trying to convince my already tired body to work out was a miracle. I still don’t know how I did it. And I don’t know how in the world I will do it this week.

Sorry I needed to get all of that off my chest. I will write another post today with all the fun new Reese news. But I thought I ought to write two separate posts, since this one would be so yucky.

I don’t post often and I get a lot of flak for it from Meghan. But today I was inspired!

For those of you who are lucky (unlucky?) enough to know Cibo, you know how incredibly expressive his face can be.

Click through for a picture-heavy post.
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It’s very strange that this little person who didn’t even exist 7 weeks ago makes my heart ache now if I leave her for more than 10 minutes. I am finally beginning to feel like a mom. Instead of just stumbling around just trying not to break her, I finally feel like I know her. I usually know what she needs when she cries, and I can usually calm her down. I am figuring out how to get her to sleep, and what makes her smile. And even with so many smiles in the day, each one still makes my heart leap inside my chest.

Yesterday, I left Reese with Mark for probably the greatest amount of time since she was born. I went to see Harry Potter with a big group, and I was going to try my luck at bringing Reese along. Then Mark told me he didn’t want to see it, and he would be perfectly happy to stay at home with Reese.

You would think the movie would be so much more enjoyable without a potentially fussy baby to worry about. You would think I would relish the few hours of freedom for the first time in 7 weeks. But you know how I felt? Totally anxious to get home. The movie was great, and yet I kept looking at my watch and missing her. I just couldn’t wait to hold her again.

Then, last night I went to my first Jazz technique class in almost 4 years. At the last minute I didn’t want to go, especially after my experience earlier that day. But I have been promising myself every week I would go, and something always comes up. Plus- I really want to get back in shape. So I went. And once again I was miserable without my baby Reese. How do moms go back to work after having babies? I could barely leave her in the care of my husband for more than a few hours!

It’s not even that I’m worried about what will happen to her, I just miss her. It’s what drives me to go in her nursery every so often to check on her when she’s napping. I even start to miss her if other people have been holding her for awhile.

I probably sound like one of those moms who are attached at the hip with their children. I’m sure I’ll learn to leave her at home with sitters and family over time, but it will be a process.

I’m a mom. Weird.

P.S. For those of you wondering…Reese is sleeping much better now. I have figured out that she’ll have a couple of crabby days, followed by a couple of angel days. So on the crabby days, I just do the best I can at trying to get her to sleep in the crib. But if she absolutely will not sleep there, I am not above putting her in the swing for a nap. Then, on the angel days she drifts effortlessly off to sleep in her crib every time:). I also have figured out a few tricks that help and a few of her “I’m tired” cues. So my sanity is still in tact for now and we’re finally figuring this whole thing out! Thanks everyone for the suggestions and advice.

I have been so proud of myself that I hadn’t had any sort of emotional break-down so far. I tend to be a very emotional person in general. My pre-baby days were loaded with crying fits that left my poor husband wondering if he had married an emotional nutcase, I’m sure. So it seemed only natural that I was in for some tears in the sleepless nights and intense days following the birth of our first baby, right? Nope. I’ve been fine. Actually, better than fine. I have never felt so content before in my whole life. And then this last week stripped me of any and all pride I had in my post-baby contentment.

Last night I cried. I just sat there, 12:30 am, feeding Reese, bawling. Granted, there was good reason. I didn’t just start crying and not know why. I sat there thinking “I don’t know what to do”.

Reese has made it rough on me the last week. She won’t take her naps. She cries for no reason. She won’t eat enough at each feeding. She’s just generally cranky. I thought it was all her fault. Maybe she’s just a cranky, fussy baby. Then I began to read “The Baby Whisperer”, and discovered that no, it’s my fault. I thought I was doing a pretty good job keeping some sort of feeding/eating schedule. But other than that I’ve been carting Reese around town on errands, letting her fall asleep anywhere from my arms to the swing, and basically making her conform to my needs. I thought she was too young for it to matter much. But apparently I was wrong. According to the book, I have screwed up her whole sleeping schedule by my actions. No wonder she is cranky all the time. No wonder she won’t sleep in her crib. I trained her to need motion to fall asleep, and now she can’t sleep without it.

Yesterday I decided to put my foot down and make her fall asleep in her crib, even if it meant letting her cry it out. That’s what all the experts suggest-”let them cry it out”. They make it sound so easy. It’s heart-wrenching! I sit in the family room, practically tearing my hair out, listening to her wail. And they make it sound like the baby will calm down and fall asleep, with no help from you, eventually. How? Reese just gets more and more worked up the longer you let her cry.

So yesterday evening, after a rough day, I put Reese in her crib, determined to let her cry it out at all costs. I cuddled her, and rocked her for a few minutes, then swaddled her and put her in her crib for the first time(we just barely set it up, she’s been sleeping in a bassinett). Of course she started to cry. I waited for the miracle of her falling asleep on her own to happen, just as the books say it will.

20 minutes pass. What started as a light cry has now progressed into an angry wail. Still I’m firm. I refuse to go in there.

30 minutes pass. Her cry has now turned into a scream with fast gulps of air in between screams. I’m starting to break down, but still I don’t give in, no matter how much I just want to pick her up and make it better.

40 minutes. I give in just enough to go in and put in her pacifier. Finally she falls asleep.

So you would think that would be it right? You’d think, after all that crying she would be worn out and crash right? That’s what I thought. Oh, no. 30 minutes later she woke up crying. So I let her cry it out for another half an hour, then went and got her because it was time for her to eat. She was so worked up that she wouldn’t eat well, and kept breaking her latch and crying. It took me an hour to calm her down and get her to eat just enough. Then I put her back to bed. Same routine all over again. She cried for an hour before falling asleep. Instead of sleeping for 4 hours, which is what she usually does after her last feeding of the night, she woke up after only 2 1/2 hours. Then she wouldn’t latch on, and kept crying because she was hungry.

This is when I began to cry. I am totally and completely unsure of how to proceed. When is this supposed to start working? Have I completely and irreversibly screwed up my child? Am I just supposed to hole up in my apartment for the next few weeks and force this routine until she sleeps normally? What do I do?

Smiling on cue!

Since Reese was born, our poor 2 year-old yellow lab has been pretty neglected. And he knew exactly who to blame. That little baby that Mark and Meghan keep carrying around! It’s all her fault! He either tries to steal her pacifier when she drops it, or he ignores Reese completely. I never leave him unattended with Reese within his reach. He’s a sweet doggo, but I’m not sure exactly what he’ll do if I leave them alone together.

Well today I put Reese on the floor for the first time so she could have some “tummy time”. As soon as I got her situated, Cibo came trotting over and flopped down right next to Reese. He was totally gentle and did nothing more than lick her feet a little. What a relief! I have a feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship:).

Well…Maybe we’ll work on it.

P.S. I’ll give you one guess who put Reese in this *ahem* interesting outfit today.