Camera Fail!

Sorry all. I know I am supposed to be posting a photo for every day of the month. Sadly my camera is out of commission. I discovered it a few days ago while I was at WPPI. So my photo journey will have to wait until the snappy is fixed. Sorry all! I miss posting photos each day! I have a whole post coming about my awesome time at WPPI. For now, I need to recover from the three days of awesomeness.

Peace out.

14. A Husband who gives me gifts like this on Valentine’s Day:

This was all Mark. He decided that since I have been going to the gym so much that I should be able to listen to lots of good music while I run. Since I am gearing up for another Triathlon in May, this gift was much appreciated.

And yes, it’s engraved with “I gave birth and I still look hot”.

I sure love that hubby of mine.

13. Going to sleep under this:

I have debated back and forth for some time what to put on the wall above our bed. Needless to say, I like my prints BIG!. And big prints tend to cost a lot of $$. So the wall above our bed has remained empty for a long time. Then last week we became the proud owners of this very large print by Leping Zha. He his an amazing landscape photographer. Yes, I know what you are thinking-”What? That’s a photo not a painting?”.

Yes, that’s right. It’s a photo. A gorgeous, spectacular photo.

I have been in love with it ever since they put it up on display at SmugMug Headquarters, so when they got rid of it to make room for a larger better print of the same photo, I jumped at the chance to bring the old one home. The colors fit go with our bedding and furniture perfectly and now I get to go to sleep every night beneath a spectacular sunset.

Ah. Love it.

12. Getting things done

I know, another one of Reese. Forgive me but she IS kind of a permanent fixture in my day to day activities:)

One of my favorite moments in a day is when the house is clean (or as cleans as it needs to be to make me feel relaxed), the fridge has fresh food in it, the laundry is folded and put away, my work inbox is empty, Reese is in bed for the night, and I can take a hot bubble bath and read a good book completely guilt-free.

I’m not saying that this moment happens often, I just love when it does.

I am not a person who can sit around doing nothing day after day. I thrive on activity and pressure. I love to be productive. That being said, I very easily get overwhelmed if I have too much on my plate and I sometimes retreat into my messy home for a day or two to regroup.

I love a clean house. I relish freshly vacuumed carpet and bright gleaming linoleum. I love it when I take the time to make our bed at the start of the day, it brings a smile to my face every time I go into our room and see the bed properly tucked and fluffed.

I love getting errands done. I love checking things off my to-do list. I love the feeling of being in control of my world.

To answer the questions I know are on all of your minds: Yes, I am that crazy Mom who brings her child to the local grocery store WITH her pink plastic shopping cart. Yes, I then proceeded to chase her up and down the aisles taking photos and making crazy noises so she would look at me. Yes, people looked at me like I was nuts. Although, quite a few of them though it was adorable.

For the record, Reese had a ball running at full speed up and down each aisle with her shopping cart. You should have heard the squeals of delight…

11. Having family nearby…

…even when we make them cry.

I have often gushed about where we live, and a large part of that has to do with living so close to family. We we live within a 10 mile radius of Mark’s parents, Mark’s brother Ben and his family, and Mark’s brother Don and his family. It’s nice to be able to get together whenever we want, but Mark’s family is also very relaxed and laid back, so if we don’t want to hang out, we don’t have to. It’s a very “come hang out if you want to, but if you don’t we won’t be offended” kind of atmosphere, which is nice.

Also, Reese has four cousins nearby to play with. It is so fantastic to have people who are willing to watch Reese for me if I need to go somewhere without her, and also we love it when Kim brings Sophie over to play because she and Reese are so cute when they play together. I love that Reese will grow up with so many of her cousins. I never had that when I was young. All my cousins lived in the same place as each other and we were the only ones that lived far away. I always felt left out of their little circle. I want my kiddos to have family nearby, whether it be my family or Mark’s, it doesn’t matter. We are so fortunate to have the best of both worlds- we get to live nearby family, work with family, and our kids will grow up together. That is priceless.

Where I go from here?

It’s time I wrote a long post about what is going on in my brain these days. I must have written this post in my head a dozen times already, but one day passes and then the next and the words remain in my head and not on the screen. My life is full right now. Most of the time that is a good thing. I spend my time with my sweet daughter whom I love and laugh with more and more every day. I am surrounded by friends and family who love and support me. I continue to be blessed with new friendships that on a daily basis broaden and brighten my world. I have the most incredibly sweet and giving husband who never lets me get too stressed out or tired before he comes charging in on his white horse (or in our case, Cibo) to save me from myself. I have THE most adorable daughter who already is bursting with personality and charm. I have a job where I get to work for a company I truly believe in with some of the most important people in my life.

And then there is Photography…

Photography is my dream. Photography is the thing that makes me feel like I’m the best version of myself. Photography is a part of my life that I don’t know how I ever lived without it. When I’m taking pictures I feel alive and dynamic. Photography is one of those ambitions I never dared aspire to because it didn’t seem realistic. Photography is my dream.

So here I am, at a major crossroads in my life. I have often felt like I am never in the right place at the right time to pursue any of the other dreams I have had for myself. I had to give up the dream of being a Neo-Natal nurse when it became apparent that Mark and I, newlyweds, could not easily afford three more years of double tuition as we embarked on our life together. That’s ok, it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t regret it.

I let go of my dreams of dancing professionally when I saw that the lifestyle was not compatible with my hope of one day becoming a wife and mother. I miss dancing terribly, but once again, it obviously was not the right path for me.

I remember when I was a teenager, I would tear photographs out of magazines and plaster them all over my bedroom walls. Not because I thought the models were attractive, or because I liked the brand they were selling. I was in love with the photos. I have always loves pictures. When I was 10, I remember setting up my barbies for a photo shoot with my little film camera. In high school, I was inevitably the person who brought along a disposable camera on any outing and took photos. I didn’t actually own my first SLR camera until I was 19 and I took my first and only Photography class in college. When I was 20 and I got a Canon D60 for a birthday present, I cried I was so happy. Yes, my love photography runs deep.

And now here I am. My family owns and operates one of the biggest online photosharing companies out there. My husband has a job with them that he loves. SmugMug seems to be on the brink of something amazing. We are changing the business a bit and gearing up for another great year. With everything I know about where the company is headed I just feel so lucky to be a part of it. It feels like magic.

In addition to all this, I am learning and growing as a photographer in ways I never imagined. And, I am being given opportunities to learn and become an even BETTER photographer. I have lofty aspirations. I would love to be a sought-after wedding photographer, a fantastic portrait photographer, and of course be able to make a little money doing it all. I have the tools. This year finds me with a new camera: A Canon 1D Mark III, a new MacPro with Adobe CS4 and Lightroom for editing, and a new Quantum flash. Yes, if I want to make any excuses for why I’m not at the top of my game, I won’t be able to blame my lack of equipment.

So what is stopping me. Why am I holding back?

Fear.

Fear that I will never be good enough. That I will pursue this and never feel like I am good at what I do. Even now, when people ask me to take their portrait, my first thought is always “Why would you want me?”. I feel like I can’t ask people to pay me because I don’t feel worthy or experienced enough, and yet at the same time- I can’t not get paid because I’m spending so much time away from my family and my paying job to shoot and edit photos.

I’m also afraid that if I pursue this, that if I spend all the time and effort and money into making this happen, that I will let this dream sweep me off my feet and I will get so caught up in it that I won’t be a good mother and wife. People don’t usually get their dream, and when they do it sometimes changes them. I don’t want it to change me. But sometimes all that time and energy chasing after the dream makes you lose sight of what’s most important. I don’t want the dream to become more important than everything else. That’s easier said than done though. It starts with “Mark watch the babe while I go on this photo shoot today” and eventually turns into “We need to hire a nanny to watch Reese so I can go on shoots and edit photos all day every day”. I never want that to happen. The question is though: where will I find time for this in my life? I barely have time to edit the photos I am currently taking.

But it’s there, just out of my reach. A chance to make this a reality. A chance to live my dream. And I don’t know quite what to do. I know that this is my chance. It may never be given again. If I don’t work for it, and reach for it, and do everything in my power to try, I know I will regret it.

Would it be so bad though to just look at my life and realize that I can settle for where I’m at right now? I could just remain an adequate photographer. I could continue to shoot photos for friends and family for little or no money. I would bring a lot of people around me happiness through my photography. I may never feel like an amazing photographer because I might not have the means or the time to devote to my “hobby”, which would frustrate me, but I’m sure I could live with it. But it choosing this path, I would still be able to raise my daughter and spend the time I want with her. I could still work for the company I love. I could still have time to go out to the park with my girlfriends and their babies, and make dinner for my husband, and plan fun family activities for us on weekends.

But the idea keeps nagging me, “This is your shot, take it!”. One thing is for sure, I feel like I am meant to do more with my life than even I had expected. This is what I want. Would I be selfish if I pursued the dream of being a professional photographer? It would mean that I am pursuing something that is for me, something that I love. But where does that leave my family?

Even as I argue the cons I feel I already have one foot firmly planted on this path. My heart can’t be swayed. How do I make such a decision?

10. Sweet Newborns

No, this in NO WAY any kind of announcement. I just really love newborn babies. I loved it when Reese was this small, so helpless and dependent on me. I loved being a new mom and the feeling of being entrusted with someone so precious. Now Reese is very independent, but I look forward to the day when we have another sweet newborn in our family again. There is such an innocence and and sweetness that accompanies an infant, so while I’m not ready to have another one yet, I still love to capture that innocence and soak it in every chance I get. Lucky for me, my circle of friends is literally bursting with new babies, and I volunteer my services as their photographer every chance I get. They think they are getting a great deal having me come to take photos, but they don’t know that I’m really relishing every moment I get to be around their adorable new babes.